Welcome to my world...

Saturday, November 19, 2005

well.. at least my face was already wet...

So.. not much has changed.. emotionally I'm still a wreck.. though giving myself some distance has freed up some of my brain space.. I am not angry or sad ALL of the time now.. just most of it.. I'm still feeling pretty rejected.. and pretty lonely.. even though I've had people to hang around with.. which I am grateful for.. god knows.. I'm a pain in the ass and hard to be around..
I went swimming with dad this morning.. was nice.. no kids.. we got to sit and chat and not have to keep Joey (my insane son) from drowning himself... I got back in time to sit in on half of JK.. just in time to go to the bake sale.. (for future reference.. grade 8's are not always the best bakers...) and we lined up the kids to go down the hallway.. and the one girl grabs my hand and says that I should walk with her in case my little joey gets scared. (she was right behind joey..) so I said that I didn't think Joey minded where I was.. but I suspected she just liked me.. and she kinda threw me a bit.. cause she replied.. ya I do like you.. you're're not like my mommy at all.. she's mean.. she likes to hit me a lot.. and one time she pushed me on my head because I wouldn't kiss gramma and it hurt and made me cry.. I told her she should really tell the teacher that.... she said ok.. but I don't think she did.. now I'm feeling all worried about this kid.. and I think maybe I should talk to the teacher.. but then I'm worried too that I'm probably overreacting and the kid just got a spanking or something.. and then I'm worried that the kid is getting slapped around all day at home.. not sure what to think.. I'm feeling conflicted..
After school me and joey walked home.. and then went to dollarama with Diane.. it was good.. except that I forgot my bank card and only had 20$ cash.. and spent about half of that on lunch.. I've really been lazy about cooking lately.. and my can opener is broken... so I ended up doing a lot of looking and a tiny bit of buying.. I found a sweater for chelsea and a little purse for Celina.. and a few other things that make good christmas presents.. I saw quite a bit more that I wanted to get.. but had to pick only 8 things.. lol.. oh well.. after I had picked 8 things it was time to pick up Drew from school anyways..
I got to the school and Celina was out front banging out erasers... not sure I like that they were out front unsupervised... oh well.. they were close to the office.. I'm sure if anything were to happen they'd hear it from there... I decided to give Celina her little purse then.. sometimes it's nice to have someone's little girl to spoil.. makes up for things a bit..
I grabbed the kids and came back home... played some roller coaster tycoon.. yup that's right... Matt finally figured out where he put my disk... (after swearing up and down and getting totally pissed that I accused him of losing it 2 months ago) So if anyone's been wondering why I've not been online much lately.. well.. that's why.. RCT2 addiction..
The kids were being rotten.. so I sent them to bed early.. not that that helped at all.. they didn't go to sleep.. just trashed my bedroom..
The band showed up for practice.. I used to like band night a lot better... when it was all people I knew.. and I was cooking for them... these guys don't come for dinner.. but they sure do sound good.. kinda like a cross between old metallica.. and something twisted.. but cool...
Once Matt got home I could steal his bank card and head back to the dollar store.. I managed to get a whole 25 minutes to shop there.. found some cool stuff.. a cpk activity book.. and christmas presents... had a whole pile of sudoku books in my hand for my friend.. but figured he'd probably avoid me anyways to avoid pissing off his girlfriend.. so I put them back.. not much point buying present for people who don't want you around.. so I bought what I had and came home..
I went upstairs and did some sewing and watched a cabbage patch kid movie..
They left after a couple hours.. Matt's keyboard sounded a heck of a lot better today.. probably woulda been better with a different sound.. instead of piano.. maybe as pipe organ or something.. I dunno.. it's not my band... I just get to listen..
After they left the kids were still awake.. so I made them clean up my bedroom.. it just occurs to me that the bed is gonna be all dirty now.. and crumby... ack.. not gonna sleep good tonight I bet..
I came downstairs after they left... and jeff and lindsay were here.. and then matt left with them.. and still I'm here.. only now I'm lonely..
So I went into chat on the CPK club.. and that didn't make me feel any better.. so I ran a bath..
I got in the bath.. and my brain starts up again.. how I'm lonely.. and I miss having a good friend cause at least then when I was lonely I knew that next time I could go out.. there would be someone there.. who wanted to be around me.. and actually liked me.. and sometimes I dunno if anyone who's around right now actually likes me.. or is just trying me out.. and so I started crying in the tub... cause I got thinking that even if I wanted to go see my friend at lunch or something.. he probably wouldn't be too happy with me for showing up.. and maybe he'd tell me to go away.. and I was kinda sad cause harry potter came out today.. and I've always gone to opening night with him.. and now I'm sitting home.. and missed opening night.. and emailed him to warn him when I'd be there so I wouldn't be in his way.. and I hope he doesn't show up that day.. cause I'll just cry cause he won't sit with me anyways.. and I'm crying anyways so what does it really matter.. and all week I've just been feeling broken.. and a bit lost.. I missed work monday cause I was too tired and depressed to go in.. I couldn't stop crying.. I ended up going to sleep at 6 pm that night anyways.. and I've slept most of the week away.. and I keep thinking that I could just add him back to my contact list and say hi.. but he's probably better off without me screwing up his life.. and complicating things..I don't know why I was so happy when he got a girlfriend.. so I'll just stay away until it won't hurt to be not wanted...cause god knows he hasn't tried to talk to me at all... and it's a good thing I started crying in the tub.. cause my face was already wet.. I'm gonna go upstairs and soak my pillow now... I need a hug... but there's no one here to give me one...

Monday, November 14, 2005

licking the beater...

Well.. it's 3:34am.. and I can't sleep.. Do you ever get the feeling that you just don't fit anywhere??? cause that's where I'm at right now.. I just don't mesh.. I've spent the last 2 hours crying in bed... and decided to come down here and talk to my computer so Matty can get some sleep.. the poor man is trying to be supportive..he rubbed my back for an hour while I blubbered away.. but he does need his sleep.. Someone has to get up with the kids in the morning..
It has occurred to me that I don't really have anything more than friends in passing anymore.. you know.. the people you see once in a while.. and might stop for coffee with.. or hang out for a day once every few months.. and that's it.. and that really depresses me..
I keep thinking I was just born into the wrong decade..I seem to get along ok with people my ages moms... I wasn't raised like the kids around me.. we weren't allowed makeup.. miniskirts.. bikini's.. we were raised to be housewives in a world full of professional women.. I had the only stay at home mom that I knew.. ( I do appreciate that.. and I want the same for my own kids..) but I get thinking that I am missing something.. something critical.. vital.. really important.. that I'm just not getting.. and it's something I need to be able to fit.. Seriously... how many people my age have a room full of dolls.. and sew for a hobby? I know of less than 50.... and very few of them are within driving distance.. and none within walking distance..
I'm missing my car.. I'm missing the pool.. the beach.. Denise.. (did you HAVE to become my friend and then die??)
Why do I find it so hard to actually LIKE people.. is everyone out there just out to screw everyone else?? Why is it so hard to find real.. nice.. people.. People who don't want to hurt anyone.. and just want to be the best they can be... Am I really that rare? I used to think everyone was like me.. I used to think that they were all trying to be the best they could be.. and that they just didn't have the tools.. I believed fully in the inner goodness in everyone.. I was pretty crushed when I figured out that most people don't actually have that..
It took a few years of pumping gas to realize that most people will screw someone who makes 8$ an hour out of 30$ gas if they can get away with it.. and not feel bad about it either.. Most people.. if given the wrong change..and it's in their favor.. will not give back the money... Most people who realize they've walked out of a store and accidentally forgot to pay for something.. will not go back in and pay for it.. The normal person.. if they did something really bad.. that they could get in big trouble for.. would not tell on themself.. They'll just keep quiet and hope no one finds out..
I work for a cable company now... and it astounds me that people call in and lie.. just to try and rip off the company.. they figure it's just a few bucks and a big corporation.. so it doesn't matter.. I had a guy call in the other day and demand 3 days credit because his service was off for 2 hours... (total value of downtime.. 24.8 cents..) I gave him a days credit.. and felt worried I'd get in trouble for that...(we're not supposed to credit for less than 24 hours outtage) he didn't feel that was good enough... and demanded my supervisor..
I don't tend to hold onto friends for too long.. eventually.. they let me down.. They just aren't the person I want them to be.. so I walk away.. something about a person will usually gnaw at me.. and it gets to the point that all I can think of about that person is the one awful thing they do.. and they don't feel guilty at all about.. Stupid stuff.. like laughing that they got away without paying for their gas.. or parking in front of the fire hydrant.. you know.. breaking the RULES.. I have one person who was my friend for a few months.. and now I won't hang out with him because he slacks off at work.. like what the hell is wrong with me that THAT should even MATTER??? Why the hell can't I just LIKE people..
Anyways.. tonight I am grieving a friendship... I'm feeling rejected.. by someone that I couldn't find a fault with.. one of very few people that actually makes sense to me.. and I KNOW it will be years before I find another friend as good.. but I've got to walk away from this one.. not because of anything my friend did.. or I did.. but just because my friend is with someone who can't stand me.. and who can't see that sometimes people really are just what they say they are.. and nothing more.. my friend has made the choice.. and I've been left behind.. and I'm not too good at being rejected.. see.. it hasn't happenned in a very long time.. I don't remember the last time that ending a friendship wasn't MY decision... and I'm not too good at rejection...
So I'm up at 4 am baking cookies.. trying to get my mind off of things.. and not successfully.. tonight there is no light at the end of the tunnel.. ( I know it's probably just a lack of sleep and messed up hormones... ) and I can't stop crying.. and I'm licking the cookie batter off of the beater.. and even the cat agrees it's yummy.. but what the hell do cat's know anyways? Tonight the world is black.

Sunday, November 13, 2005

well.. yet again.. nothing exciting going on..

It's time for another update on my life.. There's not a whole lot going on.. I've pretty much avoided JK this week.. only went in for one day.. I got to do patterns with the kids which translated means I got to play with halves of apples and get covered in paint... YIPPEE!!!
I finally finished my outfit for this months theme.. 2 days left to go til a new theme.. I've already got the next two months themes figured out.. and I already have TONS of fabric for next months seeing as I went on a bit of a bender on boxing week last year.. :)
I made Matching pants for Joey and Michael J.. though there was only enough fabric left for Michael j to have a jacket too.. Joey doesn't seem to mind.. though Drew was asking... interrogating more like.. why Joey didn't have a jacket too.. blast.. kids..
I've almost gotten through all the fabric that was left for me to put together by a friend of mine.. I've got ideas for some of it.. not sure what the heck I'm gonna do with the rest.. it's kinda tense cause it feels like a deadline.. and I HATE deadlines.. though I think the grey t shirt will make really cute footed pajamas.. really really cute..
I got to go to a get together at Leah's last weekend.. that was the most fun I've had in a while.. It was really awsome to hang out with Xanthe for the day.. we hit the flea market and square one.. and then Leah's party.. I ended up coming home with a couple new CPK's (twins!! of my favorite kid!!!) and they are sitting upstairs looking pretty as anything in their little rosebud dresses.. now if I could just find the yellow rosebud dress to go on the third girlie .. they could be triplets.. I have all these ideas of matching outfits for those two.. matching but opposite colors.. so one red and blue.. the other blue and red.. type stuff.. should be really fun.. I also brought home a new outfit for Abby.. and a few other outfits for my softies.. I gotta get more fabric to make more so I have enough kids for all the awsome outfits I have here...
I have another softie on layaway.. I KNOW I said just one.. and I KNOW they said the kids were like Lays.. you can't just have one.. and I KNOW I said it wouldn't be that way for me.. but.. well.. she's one of my dream kids.. and Matty owes me a really cool christmas present.. since he got his guitar.. so my blondie will be coming home to me.. hopefully by christmas.. though I don't know if I can pay off the rest of her by then.. she's a third paid for now.. and I've sworn off ebay until she is totally paid for..
It's funny how I get so stressed out about things.. for instance.. last week I was panicking about christmas.. and I wasn't sure how we were going to get anything for anyone.. but pay came in.. and so did the bills.. and I got to see that I accidentally overpaid the gas bill last month.. so it was only 16$ and the grocery store had a really great sale on.. so most everything I bought was 99c and all the meat was 2.99 a lb.. so that worked out well too... it's pretty cool when you get sirloin for almost the same price as ground beef.... so groceries was 60$ less than normal too.. so I ended up having about 100$ to christmas shop with.. so I made a decision.. I'm gonna get my kids what they asked for.. and everyone else is getting something small.. that's it.. period.. I'm not gonna stress myself out to buy gifts I can't afford for everyone.. and I'm not spending over 100$ on my kids.. so basically all I have left to do for christmas is a big trip to dollarama and a small trip to ikea for an apron I saw there that I KNOW joey would like.. (he loves to cook with me) I'll do stocking stuffers at the dollar store..
I picked up Drew a pyrate ship by mega blocks.. it was pretty much the only thing he asked for.. so I couldnt get something cheaper.. 50$ ouch.. and joey is getting duplo toby from thomas the tank engine and a 10$ playdough kit.. and that leaves me about 20$ for stocking stuffers.. I wish I could get them each a new outfit too.. but that's life.. I don't really expect anything more than my doll from matt.. and I'm sewing some stuff up for matt and the boys.. and on the bright side.. we don't have a car this year.. so that should cut down on the people we have to buy for since we wont' be seeing them anyways.. I'm gonna focus on the positive here.. and be thankful that we're going to have a low stress christmas without all of the usual running around.. just me and matt and the kids.. and hopefully my dad will come by and my mom and sis.. and grandma.. and matt's family.. cause I would miss them..
I've been trying to find the right material for a certain thing I want to make for a friend.. but for some reason that fabric is hard to find.. can't imagine why fabricland doesn't have it.. maybe I can figure out how to do it with something different..
I've been researching my dolly..
and thinking she might be an Angel Face doll by arranbee dolls.. they sold for 7.98 in 1962 in grocery stores. I also ended up finding another doll yesterday at value village.. she's a darling debbie doll .. I got her in a really ugly homemade dress for 2$.. so I consider her quite a find.. I'm gonna make her a new dress.. and clean her up a bit.. and she can be a big sister to my angel face baby.. for now.. Matt suggests I sell her and make some $$ though.. I wanna keep her at least for a little while.. she's not my usual style of doll.. and doesn't have any nostalgic value for me.. she's well before my time.. but she's nice to have just the same.. I freaked a few people out at work out a bit.. bringing her on the floor.. people our age just don't seem to expect a big 3 foot doll to be at work.. lol.. oh well. let them suffer in their adulthood.. me.. I insist.. I am 6.. and staying that way.. I also found the pics of me with my CPK from when I was 7..
and realized that despite having 50 cabbage patch kids in my upstairs room.. I don't have HER.. or her dress.. lol.. oh well.. give me time.. I''ll find her.. and on that topic.. I'm off to go play with my dolls some more..

Monday, November 07, 2005

missing Amy a lot today....

Bereaved Parents Wish List

I wish my child hadn't died. I wish I had her back.
I wish you wouldn't be afraid to speak my child's name. My child
lived and was very important to me. I need to hear that she was
important to you also.
If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my child, I wish you
knew that it isn't because you have hurt me. My child's death is the
cause of my tears. You have talked about my child and you have
allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both.
Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't
shy away from me. I need you now more than ever.
I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you, but I also want
you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you
would let me talk about my child; my favorite topic of the day.
I know that you think of and pray for me often. I also know that my
child's death pains you too. I wish you would let me know these
things through a phone call, a card or note, or a real big hug.
I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over. These first years
are traumatic for me, but I wish you could understand that my grief
will never be over. I will suffer the death of my child until the day
I die.
I am working hard in my recovery, but I wish you could understand
that I will never fully recover. I will always miss my child and I
will always grieve that she/he is dead.
I wish you wouldn't expect me "not to think about it" or "be
happy". Neither will happen for a very long time, so don't frustrate
I don't want to have a "Pity party", but I do wish you would let me
grieve. I must hurt before I can heal.
I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is
miserable for you to be around me when I'm feeling miserable. Please
be as patient with me as I am with you.
When I say, "I'm doing okay", I wish you could understand that I
don't "feel" okay and that I struggle daily.
I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I'm having are very
normal. Depression, anger, hopelessness and overwhelming sadness are
all to be expected. So please excuse me when I'm quiet and withdrawn
or irritable and cranky.
Your advice to "take it one day at a time" is excellent advice.
However, a day is too much and too fast for me right now. I wish you
could understand that I'm doing good to handle an hour at a time.
Please excuse me if I seem rude, certainly not my intent. Sometimes
the world around me goes too fast and I need to get off. When I walk
away, I wish you would let me find a quiet place to spend time alone.
I wish you understood that grief changes people. When my child died,
a big part of me died with her.. I am not the same person I was
before my child died and I will never be that person again.
I wish very much that you could understand ~ understand my loss and
my grief. But, I pray daily that you will never understand.

I've been missing my baby girl a lot this week.. not sure why so much today.. it goes in waves I guess.. It's been 9 years and then some since she died.. and I came across this poem on the web today.. and figured I'd post it here.. it's from the compassionate friends newsletter.. (that's a group for bereaved parents) I found it at a website for a lady who also lost a baby.. and she makes dolls too.. though she makes reborns.. I make softies.. either way.. it's the same thing.. right? Sometimes I feel like this needs to be told to all the people around me.. I always feel bad when people get awkward when I bring her up.. but she is my child just as much as Drew or Joe.. and I want to talk about her too.. anyways.. that's it for now.. I'm feeling lonely.. wouldn't mind if anyone wanted to hang out.. so if you read this.. maybe give me a call and say hi.. if you know me.. if you don't know me.. don't call.. that would just be weird.. you could email me though..

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Dear Abby says I'm're ok.. we're all ok...

I've always felt like a bit of a freak because most of my best friends are guys.. always have been.. always will be I guess.. I've lost a lot of friends to girlfriends who are jealous.. for no good reason other than previous relationships gone bad.. So I wanted to post this Dear Abby article from yesterday.. just to reenforce that I AM OK.. and it is OK for people to have opposite gender platonic friends WHILE they are in a relationship.. and it does not mean that they are F*CKING or WILL F*CK it just means that they are friends.. and I think more people should stand up for themselves.. and say.. hey.. you know what.. I'm not going to change who I am to be half of you.. I'm going to be me.. take it or leave it.. if you can't accept me for who I am.. then I guess I'm not the right person for you.. and I guess you're not the right person for me.. and if you can only trust me when I'm in your sight.. then I guess our relationship has bigger problems than me having friends.. and maybe you need counselling.. and maybe "I" don't want to be with someone who is trying to be so controlling.. and maybe "I" don't WANT to change who I am.. maybe I think I am just fine the way I am.. maybe I LIKE me.. and I would love you to be part of my life.. but not all of it.. a healthy relationship does not involve one person revolving around the other... but more of a give and take... living parallel to someone that you love being around.. and letting them live with you... you put up with my faults.. and I put up with yours.. and we love each other because we have differences.. and different ways of thinking.. well.. anyways.. here's what Dear Abby had to say about it.. and god I hope I'm not gonna get in copyright problems for posting this here.. Quite frankly.. I'm sick of losing friends because of someone else's jealousy....
here is the link to the original message


DEAR ABBY: I'm a 21-year-old woman who is happily married to a wonderful man. My best friend is a guy I'll call "Tom." We have been friends for four years. My husband likes Tom, trusts me and has no problem with it.

The problem is Tom's live-in girlfriend, "Ginny." Ginny doesn't like or trust me. She doesn't like any of Tom's other friends, either. (Most of his friends are female.) Abby, Tom is not a flirt. He's loyal to Ginny and would never dream of cheating.

Ginny is extremely insecure. She goes haywire if Tom has any contact with any of us -- so he has begun sneaking around behind her back to hang with us. I'm uncomfortable with the sneaking around because it makes me feel we're doing something wrong when we aren't, but it seems to be the only solution.

Tom and Ginny are not engaged, but they're in the process of trying to buy or build a house together. He acts like he's unhappy in the relationship, but seems afraid to stand up for himself. What should I do? -- TOM'S BEST FRIEND IN FORT WORTH

DEAR BEST FRIEND: You, your husband and some of Tom's other friends should stage an intervention with him. Warn Tom that sneaking around and trying to fool Ginny won't work. At some point she'll catch on and erupt like Mount Vesuvius -- and who could blame her? Instead of behaving like an adult and informing his girlfriend that if the relationship is to continue, she'll have to accept that he has platonic female friends, he's taking the coward's way out.

A home is the largest investment most people make in their lifetimes. Tom should carefully consider the wisdom of making an investment like this with Ginny under the circumstances. If you can't make him see reason, then urge him to discuss it with a lawyer. You'll be doing him a huge favor.

P.S. And while you're at it, do yourself a favor. Distance yourself from Tom a bit, until he works this out.