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Monday, November 14, 2005

licking the beater...

Well.. it's 3:34am.. and I can't sleep.. Do you ever get the feeling that you just don't fit anywhere??? cause that's where I'm at right now.. I just don't mesh.. I've spent the last 2 hours crying in bed... and decided to come down here and talk to my computer so Matty can get some sleep.. the poor man is trying to be supportive..he rubbed my back for an hour while I blubbered away.. but he does need his sleep.. Someone has to get up with the kids in the morning..
It has occurred to me that I don't really have anything more than friends in passing anymore.. you know.. the people you see once in a while.. and might stop for coffee with.. or hang out for a day once every few months.. and that's it.. and that really depresses me..
I keep thinking I was just born into the wrong decade..I seem to get along ok with people my ages moms... I wasn't raised like the kids around me.. we weren't allowed makeup.. miniskirts.. bikini's.. we were raised to be housewives in a world full of professional women.. I had the only stay at home mom that I knew.. ( I do appreciate that.. and I want the same for my own kids..) but I get thinking that I am missing something.. something critical.. vital.. really important.. that I'm just not getting.. and it's something I need to be able to fit.. Seriously... how many people my age have a room full of dolls.. and sew for a hobby? I know of less than 50.... and very few of them are within driving distance.. and none within walking distance..
I'm missing my car.. I'm missing the pool.. the beach.. Denise.. (did you HAVE to become my friend and then die??)
Why do I find it so hard to actually LIKE people.. is everyone out there just out to screw everyone else?? Why is it so hard to find real.. nice.. people.. People who don't want to hurt anyone.. and just want to be the best they can be... Am I really that rare? I used to think everyone was like me.. I used to think that they were all trying to be the best they could be.. and that they just didn't have the tools.. I believed fully in the inner goodness in everyone.. I was pretty crushed when I figured out that most people don't actually have that..
It took a few years of pumping gas to realize that most people will screw someone who makes 8$ an hour out of 30$ gas if they can get away with it.. and not feel bad about it either.. Most people.. if given the wrong change..and it's in their favor.. will not give back the money... Most people who realize they've walked out of a store and accidentally forgot to pay for something.. will not go back in and pay for it.. The normal person.. if they did something really bad.. that they could get in big trouble for.. would not tell on themself.. They'll just keep quiet and hope no one finds out..
I work for a cable company now... and it astounds me that people call in and lie.. just to try and rip off the company.. they figure it's just a few bucks and a big corporation.. so it doesn't matter.. I had a guy call in the other day and demand 3 days credit because his service was off for 2 hours... (total value of downtime.. 24.8 cents..) I gave him a days credit.. and felt worried I'd get in trouble for that...(we're not supposed to credit for less than 24 hours outtage) he didn't feel that was good enough... and demanded my supervisor..
I don't tend to hold onto friends for too long.. eventually.. they let me down.. They just aren't the person I want them to be.. so I walk away.. something about a person will usually gnaw at me.. and it gets to the point that all I can think of about that person is the one awful thing they do.. and they don't feel guilty at all about.. Stupid stuff.. like laughing that they got away without paying for their gas.. or parking in front of the fire hydrant.. you know.. breaking the RULES.. I have one person who was my friend for a few months.. and now I won't hang out with him because he slacks off at work.. like what the hell is wrong with me that THAT should even MATTER??? Why the hell can't I just LIKE people..
Anyways.. tonight I am grieving a friendship... I'm feeling rejected.. by someone that I couldn't find a fault with.. one of very few people that actually makes sense to me.. and I KNOW it will be years before I find another friend as good.. but I've got to walk away from this one.. not because of anything my friend did.. or I did.. but just because my friend is with someone who can't stand me.. and who can't see that sometimes people really are just what they say they are.. and nothing more.. my friend has made the choice.. and I've been left behind.. and I'm not too good at being rejected.. see.. it hasn't happenned in a very long time.. I don't remember the last time that ending a friendship wasn't MY decision... and I'm not too good at rejection...
So I'm up at 4 am baking cookies.. trying to get my mind off of things.. and not successfully.. tonight there is no light at the end of the tunnel.. ( I know it's probably just a lack of sleep and messed up hormones... ) and I can't stop crying.. and I'm licking the cookie batter off of the beater.. and even the cat agrees it's yummy.. but what the hell do cat's know anyways? Tonight the world is black.


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