Welcome to my world...

Monday, November 23, 2009

My Journal Assignment for nov 23

What I would say if I had the courage to say it….

Quit trying to impose your values on my life! My life experiences have shaped my values, and yours have shaped yours. If I keep trying to live up to your values I'm going to regret the way I've lived my life. I don't want to get to heaven rich. I don't want to lie on my deathbed wishing I had spent more time with my children. I don't want to die lonely. I really don't care if I make "enough" money, as long as I have time with my family and enough to eat. I don't care that your opinions don't mesh with mine, and I wish you would quit trying to make me see things your way. I saw thing that way before, other things I've seen have changed my mind.

I wish you would quit trying to involve me in your fights. Don't try to turn me again anyone else. I don't want to be in the middle of it. SHUT UP! I don't want all your negative thoughts swirling around in my head! I don't WANT to know those things! I want to keep my rose coloured glasses ON! I can't UNHEAR what you told me! It was none of my business.

Quit telling me your bad memories of my childhood. I have mostly good ones. The bad ones make me wonder about my own sanity. Am I crazy for forgetting that? Or am I the sane one because I moved past it? What if all that shit is in the past and I don't want to dwell on it? What if I just want to get on with life and you're preventing that by rehashing the same old miserable history?

Quit trying to get me to do things I don't WANT to do! Don't volunteer me for things without asking me first. I have a hard time saying no. Please don't assume that my not saying no, is me saying yes.

Don't put me in a room full of people I don't know. I am terrified of strangers. People's eyes eat into me and I feel 2 inches tall. I know I'm not perfect.. and I feel everyone else knowing that when they see me.

All I really want from you is time. I just want you to be with me and spend time with me. I don't want your money, I don't want stuff, I don't want what you can do for me. But I'll take it if that's the only way to get you to spend time with me.

Please don't try to take care of me and fix me. It only makes me act dependant.. I want to take care of myself. If I need help, I'll ask for it. I don't NEED to be taken care of. I take care of everything already, I'm really good at that.

Hey.. I'm really smart! My eyes are up HERE! Talk to my face!

Quit trying to get me to be what you want me to be and let me just be myself. You might find that you like me better than what you imagined I can be.

I never meant to hurt you. Doesn't matter who you are or what I did. I never meant to hurt anyone. I'm sorry if I did. Really.

I love you. It doesn't matter who you are. There's something about you I love. I may really dislike most of you.. but there is a part of every one of you that I love. Please don't forget to look for that little bit of me that you might love too

Friday, November 13, 2009

Random memories from my childhood.

I remember playing in the snow near grandma's apartment building with Angela and Jenn. Collecting cattails and pretending we were going to cook them.

I remember going to Toronto Island (I think) with mom and dad and their friends. We took the ferry and dad's friend and dad pushed me on the swings. It was fun.

I remember learning to make scrambled eggs and how Jenn and I would make up 'smiley face restaurant' and cook breakfast for everyone from our huge menu of scrambled eggs and orange juice.

I remember tripping and losing my tooth on Grandpa's belt. I wonder where that tooth went.

I remember riding the riding lawnmower with dad and Grandpa.

I remember building a playhouse or fort at every house we moved to with dad. I remember that we had to have it all properly built with the studs spaced correctly and the correct slant on the roof so the shingles would work properly.

I remember when cabbage patch kids were so popular and mom made ones with us and we sewed the heads. I remember getting my cabbage patch kid and all the work that Angela and I did on that paper route (120 customers) to save up enough money to get them. I remember that wagon was very heavy.

I remember my paper route in Smithville, and riding my bike home with the pedal broken off. That was a long bike ride, and I am not sure but I think I may have had a friend with me.

I remember playing at Red Hill and not being able to figure out why that freaked my mom out so much.

I remember playing baseball at Roxborough Park with mom and dad and Lisa.

I remember not understanding why Rachel could sit on Dad's lap. I don't think I was allowed to bother them like that..

I remember mom babysitting TJ and making him that little tiny pasta with butter on it.

I remember going to Aunt Laura's and Uncle Toby's and doing word searches. I remember the picture of the sneaker with the red line across it that was on their back door, and I remember TJ's yellow sleepers.

I remember being really small.. and riding on a skateboard.. like a little car..vroom vroom crash.. into the telephone pole.

I remember dad letting me steer the car in the center mall parking lot.

I remember my best friend Carrie, when I was 4, and going to her house and thinking she had the best toys, and the biggest brother (he was 15) and how her parents reminded me of my grandparents. Her mom had WHITE hair! I remember stepping on a bee when I got off her swingset and getting stung between my toes. I also remember her brother throwing darts and getting one stuck in my arm. I loved her toy vaccuum.

I remember my cloth doll that I got when I was 2. I remember my toy stroller. I remember her being friends with my Holly Hobbie doll and my strawberry shortcake doll. And I remember that Holly Hobbie always had to get her eyedrops before I did. She had to go for nap with me too.

I remember one day mom babysat one of my friends in the afternoon and tried to get us to take a nap on her bed. I remember her bed had a flowery blanket and we did not go to sleep. We played the whole time.

I remember one morning getting ready for school and spilling my cereal all over my uniform and mom was pretty mad about that.

I remember mom and dad watching the news, and it was boring. We watched it anyways because that's all that was on.

I remember when dad showed us the video for Thriller.. and when Michael Jackson said Get AWAY I did.. and I dove into my mom's lap. She yelled at my dad. I was scared of Michael Jackson for years after that. I think my sister kept a poster of him on her bedroom door to keep me out of there.

I remember my parents always went for walks. When I was in JK my friend Angie and I went for a walk.. only we got really lost.. and the police had to bring us home. Mom spanked me and told me to never run away again.

I remember how big our bedroom was there. It was sooooo big! I remember the last day at Junior Kindergarten and how I cried because I'd miss my teachers.

I remember playing the farmer in the dell and bringing my Dumbo pillow for show and tell.

I remember going to see the jungle book in theater. Every time it was in theater. Well.. I don't actually remember watching it.. but I do remember the excitement when I saw the movie posters because I knew we'd go.

I remember making cookies with Grandma. I remember she always let us make the balls and push them down with the fork. I do that with my kids now and I hope they'll do it with theirs.

I remember the first time I was tall enough to go on the wooden roller coaster at Crystal Beach by myself and how happy I was because that meant I didn't have to wait for Mr.Neal and I could go on as many times as I wanted now. And I did.. I went on a LOT. I also remember Fatima Puking bubblegum ice cream on the way home and Angela holding the bag out the car window, it dripped down the side of the car. It smelled very bad. It was blue.

I remember eating liptons chicken noodle soup and thinking it was a huge treat. I still love that soup.

I also remember he kept squares of chocolate in the bottom of his fridge in a baggie. They were delicious.

I remember going on trips with mom and dad and uncle dan to islands and how we'd go for walks and we would ALWAYS find a treasure map in a bottle on the beach. We would hunt for the treasure and always find one. Once it was a treasure chest full of costume jewellery, once it was pennies! I bought a smurfs keychain with that money and had that for years. Mom would cook bacon and eggs over a fire and we would catch crayfish and Danny would scuba dive and come back with clams. We would cook all that up for dinner. It was so good….

I remember in grade 3 that no one believed me when I said I could read a chapter book in one day. My teacher would make me tell him what the book was about and give a general story line of it before he would give me another book.

I remember reading the paper and asking mom what a big word meant and that is when mom discovered I could read. It was something like government and I remember it was tricky to sound out. I remember the first book I read was "in a people house" by dr.seuss and how I loved that I could remember the words because the pictures gave clues. I don't ever remember not being able to read though.

I remember playing in Grandma's hot tub, and playing with her pool table. I remember her constant reminders to be careful so that we didn't crack the slate or rip the fabric.

I remember jumping on dad when he was lying on the floor. That was such a fun game. I remember him tossing me into the air too.

I remember jumping off of my bunkbeds and mom always yelling that we'd get hurt and to stop that.. I remember not believing her because we had so many blankets to land in that we'd never get hurt.

I remember the speak and spell and playing with that. I remember I used to sit on the lower bunk after we made it into a fort by hanging a blanket over the top bunk and playing with it in the dark. I remember I had to sleep on the top bunk because Angela was scared of it.

I remember once Angela locked me out of the house because I was chasing her. .. and I had to pee.. and she wouldn't let me in. I remember I peed in my pants. They were corduroys. Angela got in big trouble for that.

I remember when my cat got hit by a car and being mad at mom for not letting me say goodbye before she buried her. I bet she looked awful though and mom buried her fast so I wouldn't see. But I remember walking around with my friends after that and crying. That was my first cat that was mine… she was mean as anything and probably hated me.. but I loved her because she was mine.

I remember my parents selling my swingset and being really upset about that.. I don't remember ever playing on it though. That same yard sale I had a pile of books I was selling for 25 cents each and I had all my change in different sections of my sandcastle bucket. I have no idea how much money I made that day but I felt rich.

I remember going to my cousins house to sleep over and just spending hours in their bedroom reading all their books. They had the WHOLE sesame street set! I remember wishing I could make the recipe for the alphabet cookies.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

November 11

Well.. Hi there. It's been a while. So .. I'm back to school, that's good.. Still waiting for Matt to get hired on at his work instead of being just contract work... Worrying about christmas, groceries, and bills.. but what's new.. Every time I think things are bad they just get worse.. so I guess at some point they will HAVE to get better.

Tisha has two weeks left of Dance lessons.. which means the boys probably have 2 weeks left of programs too.. Sad for them.. nice for me.. I can't wait to have my monday and tuesday nights back to quiet, other than swimming lessons of course..

I'm spending a lot of time rethinking exactly what I want to go to college for when I'm done these courses... Nursing sounds cool and I'd make mad cash... BUT.. I'm not sure it's ME.... chef sounds like hellava good time.. but I'm not sure about the pay side of it... and the other really interesting option is horticulture.. BUT.. the horticulture teacher seems like a bit of an asshole.. so I'm not sure I'd want to take that course there...

I have this crazy dream of opening my own small restaurant/store/greenhouse Where I grow my own heirloom veggies and have maybe offsite... my own livestock being raised.. all organic and where you can go and see how everything is grown if you want to before you eat. Possibly a restaurant with a 100 km diet/organic/heirloom thing.. With a little store on the side for selling my canned goods/honey etc.. paid tours of the farm... Not sure how feasible that is but it sure does sound like a hell of a fun idea.. Just something organic and down to earth and that would encompass all my interests.. So maybe I should take Chef AND Horticulture.. and then just pursue that dream.. Who knows.. even if I never get there, at least I'd learn a LOT of interesting things along the way.. right?