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Saturday, November 19, 2005

well.. at least my face was already wet...

So.. not much has changed.. emotionally I'm still a wreck.. though giving myself some distance has freed up some of my brain space.. I am not angry or sad ALL of the time now.. just most of it.. I'm still feeling pretty rejected.. and pretty lonely.. even though I've had people to hang around with.. which I am grateful for.. god knows.. I'm a pain in the ass and hard to be around..
I went swimming with dad this morning.. was nice.. no kids.. we got to sit and chat and not have to keep Joey (my insane son) from drowning himself... I got back in time to sit in on half of JK.. just in time to go to the bake sale.. (for future reference.. grade 8's are not always the best bakers...) and we lined up the kids to go down the hallway.. and the one girl grabs my hand and says that I should walk with her in case my little joey gets scared. (she was right behind joey..) so I said that I didn't think Joey minded where I was.. but I suspected she just liked me.. and she kinda threw me a bit.. cause she replied.. ya I do like you.. you're're not like my mommy at all.. she's mean.. she likes to hit me a lot.. and one time she pushed me on my head because I wouldn't kiss gramma and it hurt and made me cry.. I told her she should really tell the teacher that.... she said ok.. but I don't think she did.. now I'm feeling all worried about this kid.. and I think maybe I should talk to the teacher.. but then I'm worried too that I'm probably overreacting and the kid just got a spanking or something.. and then I'm worried that the kid is getting slapped around all day at home.. not sure what to think.. I'm feeling conflicted..
After school me and joey walked home.. and then went to dollarama with Diane.. it was good.. except that I forgot my bank card and only had 20$ cash.. and spent about half of that on lunch.. I've really been lazy about cooking lately.. and my can opener is broken... so I ended up doing a lot of looking and a tiny bit of buying.. I found a sweater for chelsea and a little purse for Celina.. and a few other things that make good christmas presents.. I saw quite a bit more that I wanted to get.. but had to pick only 8 things.. lol.. oh well.. after I had picked 8 things it was time to pick up Drew from school anyways..
I got to the school and Celina was out front banging out erasers... not sure I like that they were out front unsupervised... oh well.. they were close to the office.. I'm sure if anything were to happen they'd hear it from there... I decided to give Celina her little purse then.. sometimes it's nice to have someone's little girl to spoil.. makes up for things a bit..
I grabbed the kids and came back home... played some roller coaster tycoon.. yup that's right... Matt finally figured out where he put my disk... (after swearing up and down and getting totally pissed that I accused him of losing it 2 months ago) So if anyone's been wondering why I've not been online much lately.. well.. that's why.. RCT2 addiction..
The kids were being rotten.. so I sent them to bed early.. not that that helped at all.. they didn't go to sleep.. just trashed my bedroom..
The band showed up for practice.. I used to like band night a lot better... when it was all people I knew.. and I was cooking for them... these guys don't come for dinner.. but they sure do sound good.. kinda like a cross between old metallica.. and something twisted.. but cool...
Once Matt got home I could steal his bank card and head back to the dollar store.. I managed to get a whole 25 minutes to shop there.. found some cool stuff.. a cpk activity book.. and christmas presents... had a whole pile of sudoku books in my hand for my friend.. but figured he'd probably avoid me anyways to avoid pissing off his girlfriend.. so I put them back.. not much point buying present for people who don't want you around.. so I bought what I had and came home..
I went upstairs and did some sewing and watched a cabbage patch kid movie..
They left after a couple hours.. Matt's keyboard sounded a heck of a lot better today.. probably woulda been better with a different sound.. instead of piano.. maybe as pipe organ or something.. I dunno.. it's not my band... I just get to listen..
After they left the kids were still awake.. so I made them clean up my bedroom.. it just occurs to me that the bed is gonna be all dirty now.. and crumby... ack.. not gonna sleep good tonight I bet..
I came downstairs after they left... and jeff and lindsay were here.. and then matt left with them.. and still I'm here.. only now I'm lonely..
So I went into chat on the CPK club.. and that didn't make me feel any better.. so I ran a bath..
I got in the bath.. and my brain starts up again.. how I'm lonely.. and I miss having a good friend cause at least then when I was lonely I knew that next time I could go out.. there would be someone there.. who wanted to be around me.. and actually liked me.. and sometimes I dunno if anyone who's around right now actually likes me.. or is just trying me out.. and so I started crying in the tub... cause I got thinking that even if I wanted to go see my friend at lunch or something.. he probably wouldn't be too happy with me for showing up.. and maybe he'd tell me to go away.. and I was kinda sad cause harry potter came out today.. and I've always gone to opening night with him.. and now I'm sitting home.. and missed opening night.. and emailed him to warn him when I'd be there so I wouldn't be in his way.. and I hope he doesn't show up that day.. cause I'll just cry cause he won't sit with me anyways.. and I'm crying anyways so what does it really matter.. and all week I've just been feeling broken.. and a bit lost.. I missed work monday cause I was too tired and depressed to go in.. I couldn't stop crying.. I ended up going to sleep at 6 pm that night anyways.. and I've slept most of the week away.. and I keep thinking that I could just add him back to my contact list and say hi.. but he's probably better off without me screwing up his life.. and complicating things..I don't know why I was so happy when he got a girlfriend.. so I'll just stay away until it won't hurt to be not wanted...cause god knows he hasn't tried to talk to me at all... and it's a good thing I started crying in the tub.. cause my face was already wet.. I'm gonna go upstairs and soak my pillow now... I need a hug... but there's no one here to give me one...


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