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Monday, December 05, 2005

I don't need counselling.. I need drugs

It's been an emotional rollercoaster of a week.. I went a little bonkers in bulk barn the other day.. ended up buying chocolate chips, and mint chocolate chips, and white chocolate chips, and butterscotch chips, and peanut butter chips, and rainbow chips... (I only MEANT to go in for chocolate chips.. figured it'd save money.. ended up spending 10$ on chocolate chips.. maybe there is a reason to have them prepackaged in recipe sized bags..) So I ended up inviting over a pile of people to bake cookies with us.. Drew's friend Bianca from school and my neighbour and the girl she was watching.. (actually.. her kids were invited too.. but apparently not ALL kids like to bake..weird) It was a good time.. even the part where the kids were carrying the ingredients from the kitchen.. and Bianca was carrying the flour bag.. on her head.. sideways.. without realizing it was OPEN.. and was pouring a trail of flour behind her and down her back as she walked.... lol.. good thing I hadn't done my floor yet or that may have bothered me :) we ended up making some really good cookies.. peanut butter with peanut butter and chocolate chips.. mmmm
Next on my wacky week was.. report cards and parent teacher interviews... Well... what can I say.. my kids report cards.. sucked... badly.. I have nothing but frustration here.. my kid works his butt off trying to keep up.. and still gets.. D's... all D's.. 4 C's.. and we had Joey's meeting with his teacher.. (this is my SMART kid.. the one who is supposed to be able to keep up) and she says.. "I'm not giving up on Joey yet"... huh?? ok.. I get that he's shy.. and won't talk to you.. but he KNOWS THE WORK.. oh well.. at least he's taking it in.. Drew is just lost.. totally.. it's not that he knows the answers and is too shy to tell anyone.. he's just not getting it.. So I went to the meeting with his teacher.. and they're going to set up an individual education plan.. which means he's going to be working at his level.. (what the hell is wrong with a school system that will NOT fail a kid??? ) this kid is at the end of SK early grade 1 level.. why not put him into grade 1 again?? I don't get it.. freaking stupid society.. god forbid you let kids realize they're not perfect.. a little bit of reality won't kill them.. geez... and I'd feel better without 2 hours of homework everyday.. knowing that he's finally getting the ideas... blah..
Then was the christmas party at the bike club.. at least santa didn't seem drunk this year.. The kids got really cool presents.. lots of candy.. and had a blast.. I just felt like drinking... which isn't like me at all.. I had a really uneasy feeling the whole day.. didn't really feel safe going.. probably because someone else was driving.. and I hate other people's driving.. luckily the highways were fairly empty.. and even though it seemed that my sis in law was driving a million miles an hour.. I checked.. and she was going slower than I probably would have..
I've spent the weekend missing Amy.. I dunno why I get these times where I just get so depressed over her not being here.. anyways.. it climaxed at the party.. and there was me.. standing outside crying to matt's step step mom.. and smoking her cigarettes..(I don't smoke).. ok.. so I'm embarrassed that I couldn't hold it together.. she suggested I get counselling.. blah.. you know what? this is normal I guess.. from what I hear.. for someone who has lost a child.. to have times where it's like yesterday.. it passes..
So I got home and called my mom.. and she kinda summed it up.. it's different.. cause there's no one else in life who you are expected to be able to fix everything for.. I was supposed to take care of her and keep her safe.. that is my job as a mother.. and I couldn't keep her safe.. I couldn't even make it stop hurting.. I couldn't even protect her from the mean nurses.. and the only time my daughter said mama.. was when she was screaming for me to help her.. and I couldn't do a damned thing.. and the whole fact that that was on christmas day.. kinda screws christmas up for me... cause every time I think of christmas.. that's what I think of.. I don't think I need counselling.. I think I need drugs.. so I can sleep through the holiday..


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